I have always had a bit of a problem with doctors. This is not all their fault, Dr. Google has certainly de-dazzled the average GP. On their part, they probably feel like I am a hypochondriac, and the trip to A&E over a shaving rash didn’t help that (10 years ago and at my mother’s insistence – and I still feel like a fool). For this reason, I try to limit my visits to once every few months, and store up several complaints to wham them with.

A typical visit goes like this:

1. Arrival –  the building is a converted semi-detached building, typical of Southeastern lower middle class neighbourhoods painted a reassuring shade of turquoise. As a small NHS establishment, it is somewhat no-frills,
2. Wait – Despite the lack of design prowess, the doctors has a large stock of outdated hello and closer magazines. Celebrity gossip is a guilty pleasure I don’t often treat myself to, so I normally find the small wait quite pleasant.
3. The Doctor calls me – The suspense builds, because I never know who will be behind the door. I know it will be a doctor – but I am not sure which doctor. At most doctors surgeries in the UK, unless you specifically ask for a doctor, your appointment is assigned at an adhoc basis.
4. The Doctor – I sit down, describe my symptoms. Often they ask me what I think it is, and normally I can tell them. Correctly. It is pot luck whether you get a dismissive doctor (cursory examination or no examination) or Dr. Mark Sloan.
5. Home time – I go home with a shiny new prescription or a slip for a blood test, or (occasionally) a referral to a consultant. No lollipop. Who spread the lollipop rumour anyway? It just leads to disappointment.
6. Follow up – None.

This experience is not bad exactly, but I wouldn’t say its good either. Its certainly not at its peak.

If Carlsberg did doctors trips, what would they look like?

Massive offices, comfortable couches, a wonderful machine that fixes everything.

As that is probably not realistic, this will suffice:

1. Arrival – Not high on my, or the NHSs priorities but a new, shiny building sets a professional tone.
2. Wait – short and sweet.
3. The Doctor calls me – No suspense this time, as its the same doctor each time.
4. The Doctor – Mark Sloane, or failing that Dr Christen Jenson. The visit would consist of Dr Sloane inquiring, examining and advising syptoms. Respect and two-way dialogue will be part of the course. Dr Sloane would check for symptoms of depression (more common in people with psoriasis) and advice on metabolic syndrome, ending the appointment with suggestions about where to find out more information about the disease, available treatments and lifestyle adjustments which may help.
5. Home time – Same as above, but with a lollipop.
6. Follow up – Some. The Doctor states when to make the next appointment for. At this appointment: they read your notes, inquire about the treatment success and note it down. The success of relative treatments is compiled into a nationwide database and used to improve patient care.

Sorted.

 Image via flickr available here.